QT: Do you regret any part of your medical transition?

submitted by worried19 from self.GCdebatesQT

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[–]Gravel_Roads 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

I had top surgery. I don't regret it, so I'm not sure if my sort of answer would help.

Weirdly, as soon as it was done it was hard to remember what it felt like to not have a flat chest. I don't know if it's just a natural body mapping since we don't really have a lot of articulation/use of that area, so there isn't much sensory change to adjust to, but I didn't experience any "phantom tits" or experience any obstacles in recovery. I don't even have them in my dreams.

I transitioned later in life, around 30, and for me the changes have all been for the better. I don't think dysphoria is very well represented, as it's not an "emotional instability", it doesn't on its own cause suicidal ideation. It just makes it hard to look down at your body and understand why it is socially/culturally defined by terms that, (for me) literally don't make sense. So I felt like I'd just been issued the wrong rental car, but it could still drive and I had places to be, so I treated my life/existence as one might play a randomly generated RPG character assigned to them. And I did "okay"? I found body mods helped me feel connected to and in control of my body, and I was always extremely GNC and bisexual (it felt, for me, all connected - I didn't know why bodies had to be man/woman, why sexuality had to be oriented to man/woman, why my clothes and hair and presentation had to be man/woman ect. The more "pick and mix" I could be, the happier I was.)

But it SUCKED, because I still didn't feel right. Dating was impossible because I resented people being attracted to my female features; no matter how sweet or kind or attractive or fun or confident or how much I liked my partners, it would take me out of it immediately if they wanted to caress my hip or touch my breasts. I had a hard time seeing doctors because my body always seemed wrong, and when it was sick or injured it felt like it was natural to be sick or injured, because I didn't feel healthy in it.

Transitioning was the first time in my adult life I began to take my health care seriously. I don't know if it was specific transition to male, or just departure from rigidly being "female", but it's been easier to love my body now that it's shaped this way. I see dentists and I get vaccinations, I have a primary care physician. I'm able to focus on work more and be more productive. I also have been able to get more out of my own head and develop more empathy for others, because I'm not just angry at how I'm being seeing by others. Because I changed it.

So for me, it was an absolute improvement. But I will say very clearly that it was only part of the process, and the surgery in and of itself would not likely have done anything for me if I hadn't already spent a lot of time thinking about it and processing my other issues alongside it.

Transition isn't the destination. It's just a route one takes to change their life. Ideally, once it's changed you don't think about it much, because the change has become the new reality. But for me, that new reality is much easier to navigate than the old one.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

I'm glad you've found some peace in your life. If you ever reconciled with your body as it used to be, or if for some reason it eventually felt 'right', how do you think you would feel then? (also, welcome! 🙂)

[–]Gravel_Roads 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Hmm, for me this is like saying "I understand you like oranges, but if you didn't like oranges, how would you feel about eating one?"

Transition/surgery is a solution to a specific problem I had. If that problem did not exist, I would not need the solution? For me, there is no "reconciliation", there is no time I wanted my breasts. I remember wanting to scrape them off with a wood rasp from the moment they grew in 20+ years ago. So I benefited from having them removed.

If having breasts felt "right", I would absolutely have kept them, for sure. Is that what you're asking?

If you're asking "What if you woke up tomorrow and suddenly wished you had breasts?" I guess... if that happened, I would regret not having them. Luckily, it hasn't happened and it's been almost a decade, so I don't think it's likely in my case.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

It is a bit of a weird question, huh? I guess one of the reasons I ask is because of the paradox of having relief, so it's not a problem, and thinking about things after experiencing relief, like thinking about the problem when it's not a problem anymore. I can relate to your feelings of even immediately post-op having difficulty remembering even what things originally 'intact' felt like, and not experiencing phantom sensations or anything like that (other than weird nerve 'zaps'), but then if I think about the context and what it took to arrive at that feeling and now knowing what that feeling is like, it can be a bit much for me.

I guess I am kind of asking how much and what you do think about it now that you don't think about it! 😂 I'm sorry if I'm not making sense

[–]Gravel_Roads 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I think this is probably one of those YMMV situations. I, as an individual, am not inclined to I guess what you'd loosely call "trauma". I have a high pain tolerance, I work in a fast paced and kind of dangerous job (I'm a night shift counselor at a homeless shelter), and I can deal with over-doses and fires and mental breaks, and still laugh with my coworkers over coffee at the end of the day. So I don't feel a lot of regret or trauma in general.

But I think there's something to be said about the toll surgery is at all. I think surgery is inherently traumatic, and more people probably experience PTSD from it than people really talk about. Humans are hard-wired to want to avoid doing things that will permanently make a problem worse, so it's not unreasonable to revisit this question "was it worth it, or did I make things worse?" Sadly, we can only answer this for ourselves. It was for me. It sounds like you're doing a good job of trying to digest what you've been through, which is all we can do, really. This stuff is complicated.I wish you all the luck.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It sounds like that isn't a question you revisit much, if at all ('was it worth it, or did I make things worse?'). That isn't so much something I really ever ask myself, but I'm more bitter about things not having to have been this way and the gold standard solutions to severe gender dysphoria be limited to surgeries, especially irreversible ones.

It seems like there's a cure and even ways to prevent gender dysphoria or transsexualism from ever happening to begin with, and they seem more tangible the more being trans seems less inherent or in-born, and more a result from an interplay of a lot of different factors for everyone who experiences those things. If I look at surgery as correcting a birth defect, I feel better about it than if I look at surgery as treatment that alleviates symptoms to the point where one might not experience them at all, but not as the cure.

It is quite complicated though, I completely agree. That's why I like to keep digging, there's always so much to learn! Thank you for the well wishes, too, I wish the same for you!

If you're sticking around a bit, I'm curious, and I apologize if this is too personal--of course, don't answer if you prefer not to, but do you attend therapy currently? I just ask because you are a counselor and because I'm just curious to know how much you might delve into those sorts of things--again, sorry, just really curious!!

[–]Gravel_Roads 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It sounds like that isn't a question you revisit much, if at all

I mean, it's been many years! I go most days, even weeks without thinking about my transition at all, surgery or otherwise. I thought about it a lot more when it was actively going on. Now that I'm healed, I just feel normal. I don't personally think of the procedure as a "gold standard" so much as the option that suited best what I wanted.

I'll put it this way: more recently, I had a kitchen accident and cut 3 tendons in my hand. I had to have surgery to reattach them. They were only able to reattach 2 of the 3. It took a few years of physical therapy, but I've regained full strength in the hand, and I can even rock climb again, but that hand still can't make a fist. I think way more about that surgery than I do top surgery, because it affects me more every day. I think a lot about whether I should have a follow up surgery to try and regain more use of my fist, weighed against another couple years of PT and further trauma from surgery. That 'will it be worth it, or will it make things worse' is focused on a situation that is still in (lol) "transition".

do you attend therapy currently?

Not at the moment, but I have a very robust support network. My coworkers and I tend to check in with each other and proactively offer help to one another, and I have a long-term partner who've I've known for over 20 years. I like my life, and I'm happy. If that changed, I'm not opposed to seeing a shrink or anything. But like I said, I'm pretty even keeled.

[–]adungitit 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

It seems like there's a cure and even ways to prevent gender dysphoria or transsexualism from ever happening to begin with

One thing that often gets overlooked about this (because both GC and QT know they have to ultimately appeal to misogynistic men if they're to keep their numbers up) is the role that society plays in all this. You can tell a person to just be themselves all you want, but when society treats them like crap for it, ofc they're going to pick the value system that doesn't do that over a lifetime of being told they're wrong (also why women defend femininity despite how obviously damaging it is to their well-being. Well, that and a lifetime of mass 24/7 brainwashing to put men's needs first). Difficulties with gender are going to exist in different intensities as long as we place so much value into genderist beliefs, so the only real way to fix it is to take on genderism as a concept straight on for its anti-humanist ideals. This however, would get GC's conservative women and especially their boyfriends pissy, and meanwhile QT has already legitimised gender as something so crucial to one's identity that it can literally make people suicide if not respected and played to. As such, genderism always has to be presented as a "preference" regardless of how many mental issues and tragedies it keeps causing, a preference that a minority of weirdos simply didn't get up to speed with, but one that is great and peachy otherwise and how the world should be. Trans people are an extreme case, but there have always existed many more people who are unhappy with these expectations, and far more who are unhappy, but don't realise why or don't dare to put a finger on it because it's easier and more sensible according to the existing value system to redirect all the blame and related trauma onto women.

GC likes to pretend there's some plague of "genderism" that's only started with the trans rights movement. In reality most people are fully on board with genderism, which is why we live in a patriarchal society, it's just the rigidity of it that people disagree on. Conservatives force people into cages so the proper world order can be preserved. Liberals want to maintain the cages because they help men feel superior and/or hornier, but in view of the trauma and anxiety said cages cause, liberals kindly allow people to choose which cage looks the shiniest according to everyone's super special unique snowflake preferences. Both believe in the natural patriarchal order and both put copious amounts of effort into prettying it up so people who derive their worth from it can sleep better at night.

There is a lot of talk about girls being pressured into surgeries, feeling ashamed of their physiology and pretending they're not female for respectability, but these things were a part of girls' experiences long before the trans craze took over, because all of them originate from the same pressures. Girls who openly hate being seen through pornified and subhuman lens that they are inevitably viewed through are still going to feel these feelings. Girls who claim they like being seen through these lens are still going to be saddled with mountains of anxieties, trauma and lower standards compared to men directly resulting from these expectations. And the ones who have internalised self-hatred to the point of getting amputations and maintaining a lifetime of an artificially induced hormonal imbalance are not suddenly going to be cured, just as any other girl wasn't. You can't end trauma and mental illnesses resulting from genderism without tackling genderism, not just as a "preference" or a special cage for special people, but as a toxic, damaging system it is.