As directed at trans women.

When it is directed at you, the word man is what were talking about here, it is not directed at trans women but you and only you. You gain nothing by hearing a word directed at you and then confusing it with being directed at a whole category of people. You already say you do not pass, people saying what they see is not people insulting anyone. Your ego and perhaps certain defense mechanisms make you hear it that way, perhaps to recoil away and to avoid possible problems you might expect to happen when you hear that word applied to you. Learn to hear when it is not an insult and you will be better able to deal with the times when it is meant as an insult. It's basic self-defense, you should only react to actual attacks, not things that miss wildly or are not even attacks. Your perception is clearly off here.

I stand by what I said.

Am I being a monster to you? Am I a monster? What have I done here that you feel is monstrous? I'm a man, half the world is men. If we were monsters, we'd be extinct.

I don’t react.

You obviously react. You may not confront them, but you this whole set of comments is because you are reacting. Spiraling into depression is reacting. It's not a reasonable reaction.

The choice was become pariah or kill myself. ... I just want to not be treated like a man.

I don't understand what you mean by "become pariah"; and seriously: don't kill yourself. Straighten out your mind, with some kind of help if it is that bad. You can not control how people treat you, this is true not just for trans people but anyone. Some people choose to control who they are around, you see this commonly with people who are like "I just choose to not associate with negative people" but too often that is shutting out people in need and people who are real friends in favor of superficially nice people. I suspect transition was not the solution you hoped it was, because people still see you as they see you, and I suspect they see very real aspects of yourself that you would want yourself and them to deny. That is not healthy for you.

it’s extremely difficult to effect your emotional state actively.

It is extremely difficult to do all things at once, impossible actually. What I'm suggesting is not extremely difficult at all. It is, however, gradual. The person you are trying to be, the person you see as your best self right now, will resist even considering it. But that is because your ego and all your insecurities are wrapped up in that person you see as your best self.

I don't know if what I'm suggesting counts as "actively" anyway, if anything I could imagine a version of "actively" as actively getting in the way of it. What I'm suggesting is get you and your ego and your insecurities and your problems out of your own way.

I've always felt I'm ugly too, and misshapen. and my acne never really went away. Everyone feels these things, even the hottest women on the planet. It's a horrible thing we humans do to ourselves in that regard.

As for the rest, you sound like you chose to throw a pity-party and you think that is exactly who you are. You are who you are, and you only know half of who you are. Everyone around you knows the other half. They are no more wrong than you and they are no more right than you. You are the one treating yourself like a freak. Reread what you typed here. It is you, self-hating you, berating you, and then saying it is this or death. I say it is not true. I do think your daily meditation must be total shit, there is no way you can type this this about yourself if it were otherwise. Stop trying, maybe the "actively" part is the problem. Drop your bullshit, the good shit and the bad shit, it's all bullshit anyway, and recognize when an emotion jumps out at you. I stand by my recommendations to you and if those are a step back from your routine now, then I suspect it is better. As I asked early, when I asked "how's it working out for you", clearly its not. Saying it was this or suicide should not be an acceptable answer to you or anyone around. You can be and do better, and it has nothing to do with out others see you or treat you or how they fail to meet your hopes or expectations.

You have good qualities, I don't know who you are or anything but you are obviously articulate and can make words say what you want them to say. You're good at berating yourself. You're good at generalizing about men. Berating yourself is like the skill of recognizing your own weaknesses but without the ability to recognize the steps to improvement or to recognize if the weakness is minor or major, and clearly you are without the ability to recognize the qualities that balance those. Generalizing in the way you do sounds to me like the quality of being very adverse to risk and recognizing the potential for patterns of behavior at the earliest indication. These are like being overly sensitive. It is like having those warning lights on cars when something is near the car you're driving. We don't react every time the thing goes off, we make note of it unless it really is a danger. You have to recognize that difference and you will not with out a lot of calming the hell down and losing the judgmental aspects of how you assess both yourself and those around. Practice non-judgement. You have to do that before you can get to address your self-loathing. Since your meditation does not address this, your meditation is shit. You are trying actively, and that is not what you should be doing.

I promise you that you can feel better than you do, and it has nothing to do with anyone around you. It has everything to do with dropping the manner in which you judge yourself and others. Tune others out. They are a distraction. Stop judging your self and stop reacting, emotionally or any way, to others. What ever you are doing 6 days a week, it ain't working. You know this. The part of you that resists is like a fear of failure or just a self loathing. It does not matter what it is. Stop judging yourself and others. Clear your mind of this bs. You are OK except when you're not, and you really are the one preventing yourself from being OK. This last response really has me convinced of this.