you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Be careful with this topic! Usually these threads don’t go well. I will lock it if it gets bad.

I feel like dating and kissing (because sometimes it’s hard to avoid) are okay, but it the safest thing would always be to say it in advance. I feel like trans people today meeting people they don’t know on dating apps should just disclose because it’s easy and there isn’t any social risk because you don’t know the person yet (like they can’t out you at work or in a friend group for instance). You should always disclose before sex though. It’s not fun and it hurts, but it has to happen unfortunately. It would be very wrong not too.

[–]loveSloaneDebate King[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I only made the post because I know you or Biologyisreal are usually around lol. I figured if/when it takes a left turn one of you’d shut it down (sorry tho lol)

I think I agree, about dating. I think if you’re talking to someone online, on a dating app, or on the phone or something, you should disclose before meeting. But I understand if someone is out and about and gets hit on not disclosing then and there. though if numbers are exchanged, would it not be better to disclose over the phone, before the date? Genuinely asking, like I just think it’s safer to disclose when you’re not physically there juuust in case but idk

Kissing can be spontaneous so I guess I can see how that could happen without disclosing, but if someone is told before a date then that’s not an issue (obviously people get kissed when they aren’t on a date so this isn’t a perfect solution)

And I obviously agree not disclosing before sex is wrong.

I am curious if you think not disclosing is similar to concealing something else that may be a “dealbreaker”? But I understand if you don’t feel comfortable answering.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

But I understand if someone is out and about and gets hit on not disclosing then and there. though if numbers are exchanged, would it not be better to disclose over the phone, before the date?

I feel like it depends a lot on how you know the person. Like, my husband and I had been coworkers for 3 years before we ever dated. I didn’t know him super well before he asked me out, but if he reacted badly I would have had to worry about him outing me to work or other people as like an act of revenge. I could have decided not to agree to go out with him, because it would have been a risk, but if did that standard I’d never date any guy because it was almost always men I worked with or were in my friend circles who would want to date me. You have to trust someone to give that to them I feel like because they can try to mess up your life. Even if telling him over the phone removes the immediate physical danger, it doesn’t remove other worries like that. If someone isn’t dating someone like that who could hurt them, they should just do it though.

I am curious if you think not disclosing is similar to concealing something else that may be a “dealbreaker”?

I feel like it could be like a (lesser or greater, depending on how they take it, version) of not disclosing marital status. I’ve unfortunately found out I later a guy I was (or thought I was!?) dating was married and I was really upset. There could be women who would be alright with that, but I wasn’t and felt deceived and that he had led me on.

[–]loveSloaneDebate King[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

It does seem tricky to date inside your work or social circles. It seems like what’s most fair to the other person in that scenario is such a risk for the trans person. But I still think it’s probably better to tell them before, because if they’ll out you just for finding out someone they were interested in is trans, I feel like they’d do the same or even more if they find out after a date or two. Basically I think if someone is going to react in a shitty way, they’re gonna react that way no matter when you tell them, and it may be worse if things go further than a casual flirt and exchange of numbers. So if someone is afraid of someone they know knowing, it’s safest to not risk dating them at all. Then again- you’d have missed out on your husband. Then again again- your husband obviously isn’t the type of guy who’d react badly lol

I hope that makes sense

As far as the married guy thing- I used that same example before I saw your comment. I don’t think I’d feel violated, but I would feel deceived and guilty (even though I’d have done nothing wrong).

But if I slept with a male I thought was female I would feel violated, I’d feel raped. I can’t word it well but I think they are similar situations in a lot of ways, but the sex aspect changes things so much to me.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Basically I think if someone is going to react in a shitty way, they’re gonna react that way no matter when you tell them, and it may be worse if things go further than a casual flirt and exchange of numbers. So if someone is afraid of someone they know knowing, it’s safest to not risk dating them at all.

That’d true, but I feel like you have to get to know someone to know sometimes though. You always the option to just break-up without telling them. If I had felt like my husband, after I got to know him better, was someone who would try to hurt me I had the choice to just break-up with him and not tell him. I didn’t have to allow it to go so far that I had to tell him. We weren’t jumping into bed immediately. 😛

[–]loveSloaneDebate King[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That’s fair, if you already know the person. I feel like someone could also probably casually start a convo about lgbt or the trans community and see how they react but you’d have to be slick to do that lol

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You probably could today without it seeming too weird! It used to not be talked about as much though.

[–]HeimdeklediROAR 2 insightful - 6 fun2 insightful - 5 fun3 insightful - 6 fun -  (2 children)

Why is kissing okay by this logic? That would be sexual assault, no?

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don’t think so. I put kissing there because it can hard to avoid in real life. I just know I’m not that perfect to where I could avoid it with how men often are and I don’t want to say you are terrible if that happens. I did bad things when I was younger where I would meet a guy and seriously make-out, but stop short of sex and not disclose, but I feel like doing that is wrong. I guess maybe you could say no harm was done because the guy never knew, but I still don’t feel right about that looking back.