you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I agree that it's wrong there isn't an excuse for it. It's just difficult and I feel like sometimes people don't appreciate that. You have lots of experience with disclosure so I won't try to say I know better, but it can be really intimidating especially when you know they are not at all prepared for it. Maybe it's not perfectly rational, idk. I'm just not willing to say someone is automatically terrible if they don't do it when they should. I don't know all the details about Nikkie and how long their relationship went on before disclosing.

I had forgotten how big they were. My life experience is as a 5'4"ish 115ish person so that would be different Nikkie's and could affect how I see it.

[–]divingrightintowork[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I mean being rejected sucks. And while I'm not going to say I 'totally know what it's like to be a stealth utr tw,' I have had situations where people think I'm a tw, where I have to deal with a guy flipping out in a bedroom because he thinks I'm a trap and lied, etc. so like, I'm probably pretty damn close and probably have more "trans" analogous experiences where I am seen as trans, than some trans people. This also makes me think that a lot of TRAs are causing a good deal of material harm to trans people by making it out to be some sort of life threatening condition when, from what I understand once you control for poverty, class, etc. "being trans," is not generally more, and likely less, dangerous than being a woman, but I can go on twitter and see a 19 yr old trans person saying they can't get in a cab because it could be a death sentence - and I feel some of that may have trickled into your beliefs. Yes a 5'4" person will need to consider things differently than a 6'4" person. But there are very few males who are 5'4", there are a lot of women who are (it's the tall side of the average woman's height) - and even then - the average predator (hypothetically violent man) won't get into a bout with prey that can injure him - which a 5'4" man often can.

But also I don't think TWs realize the extent to which many women go to avoid male violence - you may, as a smol - but you may be attributing the threat to your transness, not to your female appearing-ness (and yes you're thoroughly emasculated, that's a thing).

ANYWAY - TLDR - good relationships require vulnerability, and to connect with people requires an amount of it, and if one isn't ready for that one should reconsider whether or not they're ready to be intimate.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I feel like you are assuming I'm thinking the way I am for the wrong reasons. In regular life, I'm sure you dealt with transness more than I have for social interactions based on how you've described yourself so maybe I should just defer to you in general. I have about the least trans life a trans person can have. I feel like if my thoughts about it aren't rational sometimes its probably because I've built it up from being stealth for so long. If you go through life not talking about something, I feel like your mind gives it importance that maybe it doesn't deserve.

But also I don't think TWs realize the extent to which many women go to avoid male violence - you may, as a smol - but you may be attributing the threat to your transness, not to your female appearing-ness (and yes you're thoroughly emasculated, that's a thing).

On this, I can promise you this isn't my view. The things I've had to go through in my life because of female appearing-ness is so much more than because of transness. It isn't remotely close.

ANYWAY - TLDR - good relationships require vulnerability, and to connect with people requires an amount of it, and if one isn't ready for that one should reconsider whether or not they're ready to be intimate.

Totally agree. I've been in the position many times of not being ready to tell someone and just stopping things for that reason and they wouldn't know why. That is a better thing to do if you aren't ready, but it emotional and I can understand someone taking the easy way out (even though they shouldn't).

[–]divingrightintowork[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I mean I don't know how or why you think the way you do - you do seem to believe that "transwomen" face undue risk of threat or violence based on their being trans - but it's not entirely clear you do, that's just a tone your messages have indicating that you understand why a TW would feel like they had to lie about their sex (I also understand why they feel like they have to lie, I just think it's bunk.. Just like I understand why a man feels like he needs to kill his mistress lest his wife find out and his life "be destroyed." )

Anyway - it sounds like we're on the same page, people shouldn't hide certain stuff in certain situations, sometimes they do, there are other cases where it may not have been relevant to talk about how this apparent women lived as a man most of their life, this one it kind of was.