all 28 comments

[–]DistantGlimmer 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I think so although I do feel like this is asking "if you could be born as a totally different person would you?" due to the way socialization works which is kind of hard to answer. I can imagine that I'd also be GNC as a woman in many ways but think I'd probably be happier but it's hard to know for sure.

What about you?

[–]worried19[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Oh, I definitely would. I feel no loyalty to the female sex. I guess I feel bad about that. I've tried to develop a sense of loyalty or belonging, but to be honest I'd ditch womanhood in a heartbeat if I could have been born male with all the privileges that entails.

[–]DistantGlimmer 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. I am of course aware of all the misogyny and shit women face and even though I feel my personality would fit in a lot of ways better with some of the expectations placed on me, I'd hate to be viewed as lesser just because of my sex so it's actually a really complex question. I almost feel like it would be selfish and wrong for any man to choose to remain a man if given the hypothetical choice but I do not feel the same about a GNC woman like you chosing to simply escape oppression which is perfectly understandable. (I'm not sure how much sense that makes). I think a question like this actually demonstrates how messed up the whole hierarchy of gender is.

[–]worried19[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't believe it's selfish or wrong for a man to choose to remain a man in this situation. Who wants to be a societal victim if they don't have to be? I think it's fine to choose to be a man if you know you would be "one of the good ones." Being a positive example of manhood can help loosen misogyny's grip on society.

[–]DistantGlimmer 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't know. It's still choosing to undergo masculine socialization which is so harmful and trusting your future self to be able to resist it enough to be "one of the good ones" and not hurt women. I'm kind of glad we don't have that choice to actually make. There's so much complicated philosophy involved in it but I guess it's actually what a lot of trans people want.

[–]worried19[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That's true. I guess you can't ever really know how you'd turn out. I was lucky to grow up in a family of good men, so I think I'd have turned into a good man. Probably a lot more clueless about gender, but well intentioned and honorable.

[–]anxietyaccount8 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No, I prefer being female. But I wish we were treated differently of course.

[–]luckystar 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not trans but yes I would. Men still have more advantages in society.

[–]peakingatthemomentTranssexual (natal male), HSTS 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is such a tough question. Earlier in my life, I would have absolutely said yes, but I’m happy with most things right now so...

If life could be the same and I’m still married to the same person, but I’m actually female, I’d totally say yes.

If you could go back and prevent negative experiences in your formative years from taking place, would you?

If I could go back and make it where my gender nonconformity was accepted and prevent any trauma because of it, I would. I feel like I can never know if internalizing parts of that created my dysphoria because some of it happened so early.

[–]kwallio 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

If I could choose anything about my birth I would choose different parents.

[–]burninglikeabridge 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel this too. Thats one of the biggest lotteries of life, parents and location.

[–]catoborosnonbinary 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I loved one of my parents, but their narcissism, strongest and most toxic in my other parent, has irreparably damaged me as a human being.

[–]kwallio 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I used to think this way, I felt like my mother was deeply toxic and narcissistic by my dad was also a victim abused by my mother. As I've dealt more with my family of origin issues I realized eventually that my father was just as toxic and was more or less the enabler to my mom's narcissisism. I'm not saying you'll go through the same evolution, but that its easy to villify one parent and idealize the other when you come from a narcissisist headed family. If you are still on reddit I recommend the r/cptsd and /raisedbynarcissists subreddits. It seems to be pretty common among those of us in toxic families to go through this.

[–]catoborosnonbinary 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thanks. I am still on Reddit. My experience parallels yours: my surviving parent is an obvious but highly skilled grandiose narcissist; only in therapy over the last two years did I realise that my deceased parent was not only an anxious victim+enabler but also a contributor with a deep narcissistic streak. This realisation was quite a shock. My deceased parent likely chose a partner to match their own narcissistic parent and sibling. I also have a sibling who is likely borderline with vulnerable narcissism. Narcissism spreads like an disease through families. I now have no contact with my surviving parent and toxic sibling. Life is so much better.

[–]kwallio 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Unfortunately in narcissistic families its common for at least one sibling to identify with the narcissistic parent and become narcissistic also. In my case it was my brother. I've no contact with my brother for over 15 years now, I go back and forth on whether I'm in contact with my dad (now none) but occasionally he says the right words but never acts the right way, its absurd how often I fall for his shenanigans. Its like Lucy and the football.

[–]catoborosnonbinary 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That sounds very familiar. My borderline+narcissistic sibling was the golden child and enabler of my narcissistic surviving parent, and together they turned the psychological abuse of my anxious parent (now deceased) into a team sport. My greatest regret is that I appeased them for so long. I saw myself as a peacemaker, but I now recognise that I was just another source of narcissistic supply. I have not seen either since January. My therapist is still mystified by my lack of anger, or at least, my inability to express it.

[–]kwallio 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I could not express my anger for the longest time, then for a short time it was overwhelming. The anger phase didn't last long though.

[–]Rae 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I like that I have the ability to gestate human life. But yeah. I think I would choose to be male if I could go back.

[–]burninglikeabridge 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)


[–]worried19[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'd choose to be born male. I see very few advantages to having been born female. I feel I would fit in better as a man.

If you could go back and prevent negative experiences in your formative years from taking place, would you?

I'm not sure. Adversity is part of what makes us who we are. If I'd never experienced anything bad, I wouldn't have developed resilience. Bear in mind, though, nothing extremely terrible ever happened to me. If I had suffered deep trauma, I probably would choose to go back and erase it.

[–]queerone 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No, because I probably would be blind, visibly handicapped, or dead (I was born right on the edge of viability 40 years ago, and even today 24 week fetuses do poorly compared to those born at later gestations, and male preemies <always> fare worse than females).

It's been a mostly invisible struggle not even including my lesbianism but I would have missed some really great things too.

[–]Elly 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes to both.

[–]theory_of_thisan actual straight crossdresser 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

When these hypotheticals come up I think I revert to just saying I'd rather not be a crossdresser. Conforming to either sex would be way better to me.

But it's best not to dwell on these things.

[–]worried19[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Do you think you were born with the impulse to be a crossdresser, or do you think it developed later?

If I had to choose between being GNC and conforming to femininity, I'd still choose being GNC. I'm happy with how I am, and if other people have a problem with it, that's their issue, not mine.

[–]theory_of_thisan actual straight crossdresser 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I think I had the interest pre school. I was just drawn to femininity. But also very quickly aware of the social consequences. I don't relate to that heterosexual male role. I was drawn to wanting to express femininity and drawn to dominant women.

[–]worried19[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Was femininity sexual for you at an early age, though, or did that develop later?

My theory is that society's shaming of femininity in males is what causes sexual fetishes. I don't believe it's possible for a child to be born with a fetish.

[–]catoborosnonbinary 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, but would still want to transition towards agender by removing my primary sex characteristics.

I would like to go back and not be raised by narcissists. Early childhood psychological abuse is at the root of all my problems, including my nonbinary gender identity. Narcissists should not raise children. Preventing this would have changed my whole life for the better. Being the opposite sex would also have changed the nature of my abuse; the treatment my opposite sex sibling received was quite different but horrible in its own way.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes. And Yes.