I understand your reaction. I am merely being blunt. I'll save this convo so I don't have to write it from scratch for the next guy. You're not the first one with this problem. You're writing Reddit style content. It doesn't work here. Maybe I should have gone with that to begin with.

Reddit is where reddit style content works. Otherwise you have to craft your message to fit your audience. There are other options out there for forums, but you'll still need to adapt to their communities.