This is what meditation is.

Meditation is not about some religious experience. At its heart, effective meditation is simply a technique. It is training. Meditation is the practice of doing precisely what you are hoping to learn to do.

You know that what you are currently doing hurts. You don't want to be like this anymore, which means you don't want to do this anymore. The only way to learn to do differently is to start new actions, to take the time to learn new skills. It requires effort; it requires time; there is no shortcut.

Meditation is the art of sitting still and quiet, and witnessing the chaos that is always present in our mind, without rejecting it or obsessing over it, but also without following it as our guide. This is very difficult to do, because our mind doesn't want to be told that it's not in control. When a thought occurs in our mind, the mind immediately wants to do that thing. Teaching your mind that it can no longer get away with this creates intense frustration initially. It does get better and easier after a time (months, years - not days, weeks).

Don't expect this to be easy. Sticking with a meditation regime for more than a few weeks requires extraordinary discipline, as it goes against so many of our natural instincts.

Good luck. We all need it.

https://home.theopenvista.net/perspectives/Anshin2.html