The Internet isn't here so you can type: "I hate niggers" and find joy in it. I can promise you that you never felt actual joy doing it, more of a sick pleasure. You created your life, man. You've let yourself over-identify with your thoughts, which are very negative it seems, and you allowed for these negative thoughts to lead you down a path towards... what? Endless Youtube videos? There is more going on than just this.

You made this bed by allowing yourself to identify with aspects of reality that are not healthy or life-affirming. People want to kill themselves because they identify with what people would've called demonic thoughts a few hundred years ago, but now these thoughts are to be treated as coming from you. There is no evidence for this.

Start questioning what you thought you knew, and check out s/consciousness. There exists men who feel no shame, guilt, or doubt. They are uplifted every day by the light that exists in them. They are not depressed, nor do they contemplate suicide. They accomplish many things while they are here.

You could be like that, but there is no clear road map to become like that. It takes such a constant effort that most do not even attempt to try. So, wallow in your self-pity if you want to stay where you are. Blame other people, even! If not, then question what you thought you knew and oppose life-negation. Today.

I used to think I'd live with clinical depression forever. I was told by Science(!) that I would have it forever. They lied, and I can tell you, life-affirmation is something that you must do for yourself, because the vast majority of humans are living deep into life-negation, and they will not be able to assist you. Take authority in your life, today. The Internet is literally a depository of information. Use it differently, and get off of Jewtube.