There are a lot of people who are incels that probably don't realise they are incels, not everybody associates with the toxic community. Incels have been about for years, though these days its just become a blanket insult. I used to frequent a subreddit that were (by definition) incels, you are right in the sense that it was a pity-party but it was interesting hearing their stories and how they felt. Most of them are most likely depressed and want to project their anger onto demographics, some have low-self esteem issues or have aspergers. The majority I had spoken to were nice and I think the issues they're facing are genuine, it's just a case of discerning those who are just here to insult others and those who are going through a struggle. It's basically poor mental health. It's just unfortunant that the loud ones are getting the most attention.